During the first few weeks after our little Eliana's birth, I thought much about what it takes to be healed. I was reading the gospels in the New Testament and it was humbling to remember Jesus's miracles and those he healed. I read of those who asked to be healed, those who were in the right place to be healed, and those who refused to be healed by Jesus Christ. As I walked the halls of the Rady Children's Hospital CVICU (Cardio Vasular Intensive Care Unit), I thought about these miracles and thought about what it would be like if our Savior could walk those halls and heal all the children with heart defects, how amazing would that be! I compared the miracles of the New Testament with the coming of the Savior to the Nephites. Jesus healed all of the Nephites, every single one. I compared the faith of those in Jerusalem to those at the Nephite Temple. It is a humbling thing to think that the Nephites had such faith that they were all healed, yet none of them asked Jesus to heal them. Then I compared their faith to mine.
Before Eliana was born, I prayed fervently that her heart defect would be miraculously healed and that we would not have to deal with surgeries and hospital stays. I hoped for a "miracle baby" that our baby would just have the problem taken away. I felt that I had enough faith that it could happen. There came a point when I felt a little rebuked, I felt that was not something I should be praying for. It was then that I realized that this trial would not be taken away, but one that we would face head-on. But, we had studied our baby's condition and knew exactly what to expect, what surgeries would be performed, and when. We prepared ourselves for an end-of February delivery, a successful first surgery the first week of March, and a 4-5 week hospital stay.
No matter how well-laid our plans are, sometimes things turn out different. Eliana was born the middle of January, her heart had many more problems than we knew about including coronary artery fistula and ischemia (both very bad things) in addition to the hypoplastic left heart, She went through two open-heart procedures in 5 days, went on ECMO (life support) twice, and we have just entered month 4 of our hospital stay.
I have watched kids be emergently admitted to the CVICU, I have watched families process the news that their child had a heart problem. I have talked with other parents who were anticipating a procedure, and we had conversations after surgery. I pray for the kids I know about (and those I don't know much about), and have prayed with parents, nurses, and doctors. I watch kids go home, and I see kids be re-admitted. And, I have watched our little girl with unimaginable strength endure things in the first 3 months of her life that most people will not be asked to go through in their entire lifetime. I was talking with one of our Cardiac Intensivist Physicians the other day and she told me that at the end of the day, hope and faith makes the most difference.
If you were to ask me what I have learned the most during this whole experience (that is not over yet!), I would tell you that having unshakeable faith is the most important thing. When we met with the hospital Social Worker to complete the Heart Transplant Evaluation, she asked us what was keeping us going, commenting that our strength and composure was something she does not often see. Our answer was simple, faith. So much faith was needed: Faith to trust doctors, nurses, and therapists who know so much more than I do. Faith to know that life is in the Lord's hands. Faith to remember that families are forever. Faith to face death. Faith for a miracle to happen. Faith to keep having hope when everything in your head tells you there is none. Faith to make it though the hard days. Faith to pray when it is not entirely clear what to pray for. Faith to move forward knowing life will never be the same.
We did get our "miracle baby." Not the way I originally wanted or hoped for, but the way that it was supposed to be. By all statistics and data, Eliana should not have survived. She should not have gotten a new heart, and her chances of survival if she did get one were still small. Heart Transplant is not a cure, but rather trading something we cannot control, for something we can. Our sweet girl has been amazing, and still has much more to endure in her mortal life. And it will constantly require faith in our future.
Has our faith strengthened through this experience? Absolutely. Would we still have faith if things had not turned out so well? I hope that we would. I admit that there were times when a bit of doubt and discouragement crept in, but I was able to dispel these thoughts because of the faith I have in my Savior. I know life-experiences like ours have the potential to turn people closer to our Heavenly Father, or to turn them away.
It is hard to understand why life sometimes turn out the way we think it should, and other times the pain and grief is overwhelming when our prayers are not answered. I don't know why some kids make it, and some kids don't. Every day I think about our donor family who gave us such a wonderful gift, knowing the cost that came with it. My heart aches for them and I pray that they will faithfully come to the Lord to receive the peace that only He can give.
As I have processed thoughts and emotions these last 3 months, I realize that without faithfully preparing, this experience could have broken me. I feel certain that building my faith through years of scripture study, prayer, church and temple attendance, service, and never giving up is the only way I was to make it. Daily testimony building and trust in the Lord's plan is the only way to receive the faith I needed to make it through watching my little one go through so much. Life isn't over, I know I will need to continue building my faith for the days ahead.
I plead with you to think about your faith, consider your relationship with your Heavenly Father and with Jesus Christ. Pray to increase your faith and ask how to make it grow. Write down the answers you receive through the gift of the Holy Ghost, then act on them. More faith is needed for us to remain faithful in these Latter-Days. You don't know the trials that await you that will require more faith than you ever thought possible. Prepare now.
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