I have a new favorite scripture, Psalm 147:3. He healeth the broken heart and bindeth up their wounds.
Ever since our Little Girl's heart diagnosis, I look at references of the heart in scripture as more literal than figurative. I suppose that is inevitable after studying the heart anatomy so much the last several weeks. It is almost funny that when I see a diagram of a healthy heart, it doesn't quite look right as I have studied the diagrams of the hypoplastic left heart so in-depth. I appreciate so much the spiritual references to the heart. Physically, without the heart working properly, life cannot go on. Spiritually, without a change of heart and a proverbial healing, our spirits cannot survive.
Many people ask how I am doing...well, it depends on the day. Most of the time I feel optimistic and confident, but I admit there are days when I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. I keep hoping that some doctor somewhere is going to suggest being pregnant forever as an option, but even that hope is dwindling as time goes on.
I am learning though. I am grateful for the spiritual preparedness I have made previously and am grateful for the preparedness I am currently gaining for the rough days ahead. I am learning that every trial is tailor-made just for each of us. As we go through these challenges, it is helpful that we have promises from the Lord that we can endure. I remember Alma teaching the Zoramites and saying "...may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son" (Alma 33:23). As I think about the miracle of the Atonement and the knowledge that Jesus Christ has born my burden and knows exactly how I am feeling, it helps me think through the times ahead when I have often wondered how I will be able to endure watching my little one go through so much.
As I work through many different feelings, often there are scriptures that run through my head that I haven't thought about in years, like John 9:2-3, "...Master, who did sin, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him." This scripture came into my mind on a day when I sadly wondered what I had done wrong to bring this condition upon my baby, and it brought so much comfort.
Being prepared does not mean that we will not have to endure trials, but that we can more easily get through them when they come. After all, the rains and the floods came upon those who built on the sand as well as those who built on a rock. I always felt like the wheat, rice, beans, and sugar was easy. It is tangible and you can check it off when you have "enough." Spiritual preparedness is harder to quantify as I am not sure there is ever a "finish." But facing our trials brings opportunity for spiritual preparedness and growth that cannot be achieved any other way. As children of our Heavenly Father, we need these hard times to make us stronger and to be ready for even harder times in the future.
I marvel at the tender mercies that come from the Lord. With President Nelson's invitation to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year has come feelings of joy as I read pages at a time because I want to. I find scriptures and stories that convey a different meaning than they did before that enrich my spiritual stores. I am thankful for wonderful Relief Society lessons that I almost sob through as we discuss topics I didn't even know I needed to face (thanks Jenn, last week's lesson was amazing!). I am an awe at the outpouring of the Holy Ghost when we face moments of doubting we can go another step. Christ has declared that, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" (John 14:19). What an amazing promise. He will walk with us and help us. And it is OK to cry and to be sad. It is OK to hurt and pray for that gift of comfort and healing...as well as the revelation to know which steps are next.
I challenge you to face your trials with faith. Seek to understand what you need to learn and how you can use that knowledge in the future, for whatever life may bring.
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